The Sign I Would Want For My Front Door


No Junk Mail, Cold Callers, Politically Based Leaflets (Including loosely based politics such as UKIP – don’t even think about putting that rubbish near my door), No Religious Groups (no offense intended but I am in no way, shape or form religious and I have no intentions of being so, you will only be wasting time and energy, and to be fair, most religious groups wouldn’t want me anyway)

No charity fundraisers – I have zero intentions of donating money to a stranger on my doorstep, I already donate money to charity – online, like most people these days! But don’t get me wrong, I appreciate what you are doing for charity but when I am in the comfort of my own home, the last thing I need is to be made to feel guilty about it.

If you are not the postman (and even then – less of the junk mail please), friends or someone wanting to put £1,000,000 through my door – I see no reason for you to be here!

Definitely no pizza, chinese, indian ANY takeaway menus (I am big enough already and I already have Gormans at the top of my street, as if I will go anywhere else!) – but that does not mean I want Slimming World leaflets either, I know how to lose the weight, I lack the necessary ‘give-a-hell’

No ‘I’m your local gardener / window cleaner / car washer / hedge trimmer / painter’ I can do all these things myself, I do not intend to spend money on getting it done while I sit and drink coffee, I live in the real world’ plus if I could afford all those things, I would be living elsewhere!

Don’t even think about posting any radical, extremist hate mail through my door (ever). I don’t give a shit what your opinions are – they are yours, keep them to yourself.

I once had a lady at the door explaining to me how God hated gays and would never let them into Heaven. She went on for ten minutes about the sanctity of marriage and how it should remain pure and ‘straight’ I simply uttered Britney Spears and Kim Kardashian – Sanctity of marriage – kiss my big lesbian arse!


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